As the end of another year comes and goes, I’m still reminded of the one sentence Jesus spoke at the end of His time on the cross. “It is finished.”
We were all forgiven for everything we’ll ever do so long as we remain or return to our first love, that being for God.
I’ve spent the last eight years from severe depression/anxiety attacks to probably the most sane period in my entire life. Unless you’ve experienced it yourself, you can’t imagine it. The panic attacks came long before the separation and all of this came to a head just after.
Manning up to problems? I wouldn’t wish these kinds of things happen to you or anyone else. Being in the hospital after being told you have had a heart attack likely started that road to hell for me. That, and the fact that while experiencing this, people looked at me like I was inconveniencing them from their life. Thank God I asked for prayer, because I honestly feel God healed my heart from any deformity that would have shortened my life. I’m not totally free from issues, but I am overcoming them.
I’ve said it many times about what my dad told me back in the 80’s. For those who don’t know, he said I’d most likely be dead by age 60. I turned 66 this year and I can still work a pretty decent day’s work for my age. I’ve kept myself to the doctor when my blood pressure acts up and I’m fighting diabetes so much so with diet alone and have had great success with it. It’s taken a lot of resources to do so, but I’ve done well. Medication, exercise, diet and most of all a positive outlook with God first and my wife second has made an excellent approach to my well being.
That second thing will be questioned. Why didn’t the first marriage work? I don’t have an answer to that. When she attempted to leave me twice during our marriage I took it upon myself to plead that we talk it through. She stayed, but the contention was too much. As for my on indiscretions, I am sure it hurt several people, but I’ve found many more than that that told me different. No need to argue the point anymore after all these years. I’ve only hoped for her best. My concern is she hasn’t let hatred go, nor has my sons. There is no unfettered conversation from the past. There’s only guarded conversation at best and that with only one of them.
I’m sure someone would say I have ulterior motives, but honestly I do not wish her to be lonely the remainder of her life. We all need someone to confide in and love. These two things are healing for the spirit, soul and body. Anything less will only make for an earlier demise. She needs someone to call her mate. That’s not me, but I do believe there is one for her.
My youngest came to Libby’s and my wedding. They got to see firsthand what has happened in our lives. What Libby and I have is something I cannot dismiss. At this point in life, outside of God, she is everything to me. She and I have long conversations. We share what is going on inside ourselves. We’ve both been touched by God and we’ve asked forgiveness of anything in or of our past from Him and He has blessed us.
God recently told us it’s time to move on. I’ve not been in a church of the level I’m accustomed to in at least ten years until three weeks ago. This new church instantly became home to us. I didn’t seek it out by accident. God said it was time for Libby to step up and showed us a church that is strong. There are several seasoned ministers in this house. The pastor is strong in Him. He has a very approachable heart and he doesn’t mind reaching out. This church is really the best I’ve ever seen anywhere near here, or anywhere for that matter.
That is no derogatory statement against where we’ve been the last four years. I’ve gotten to know many good people in that church and I cherish friendships with those people. God had us there for a reason and a season, but now was our time to move on. My neighbor is a pastor that came out of this same church and now he has his own flock yet still has his ties in this church. God moves as He sees fit.
This last season of my life is upon me with my retirement, but I don’t believe the closing curtain is close at hand. I’ve felt the urge to minister again. Libby has reached the stage where I find her hungry for God and in the new church we have both heard God speak. She doesn’t want to miss a single service. When the worship starts her hands are raised into the air and her mouth is filled with praise. She weeps from His presence and she is literally soaking up all she can. We both received a Word from the pastor that we were not there by accident and we would become vital members of the body there. I believe this.
I could have fretted much over how retirement will be financially and of course I started to analyze it in the beginning, but God also stopped me along the way and put a huge chunk of peace in my heart over it and spoke to me that He was taking care of it. I have literally given it up to Him to do as He has spoken. I believe our new church has a huge part in this. Don’t know how or why. I just know. I’m not easily excited, but even Libby has noticed that I am just that . . . excited.
I find it hard for me to let my sons go, but God said to stay my course. He will deal with them. My home, heart and life are open to them anytime they want to come see me and spend quality time with Libby and me and get to know how God uprights lives from the dismal times of the past. For a while I thought it was my own mental state that caused me not to want to converse with them until recently. Then I find that it’s God holding me from speaking to them. They’ve got to realize I’m here and I still love them. So, until then I will obey God.
I will wind this up with something I say a lot about. I’ve found a love in a woman, who without a strong Christian walk most of her life, knew and practiced unconditional love. When we met it was under less than desirable circumstances and we both gave each other the freedom to walk away and go fix our respective marriages, but after a while we found our marriages were at their end and strangely we both felt God was bringing us together. We walked lightly as we began to build something knowing it could be for naught, but after what I felt was a million times of questioning God I only got one answer, the same answer every time. “You will marry this woman.” I can only say I would hope others would understand, but yet I know life isn’t so kind coming from some people. I’ve resigned to that fact and let God take it. I just know what God said. He’s proven his voice to me through many years of hearing from Him and seeing His Words bear fruit.
Don’t let life cheat you out of relationship with someone you love(d). Make it right if God speaks to you. If it doesn’t work out then realize God has something else in mind.
I have two immediate instances I’ve experienced where I was glad I did go see or say something to two people. Both died not long after. I’m glad for having the time of fellowship with them. I’ll never regret knowing them.
My heart is now clear. It’s up to you now. God says “It is finished” and that’s all I need to know.