I remember when I was younger, say my forties and early fifties I sometimes felt old. Or so I thought. Turns out it was all a hoax I pulled on myself. I had so much energy even then I had no way to run out of it. I worked hard, played hard, did everything with fervor.
I’ll be sixty-one next month. I would say I now have a much better perspective on growing old and it certainly isn’t what I would call “golden years” unless it means wearing Depends.
I’m a soon to be divorced male of the species who decided to call it quits after 37 years. My soon to be ex had turned into someone I didn’t know. A lesson I thought she’d learned several years ago had not been learned. It has to do with finances. I won’t go into it. Enough to say I expected to retire at the age of sixty without any bills. It wasn’t to happen. I’ll have to work at least another four to five years to pay them off and then I hope the economy will be bearable to my needs. I don’t want to end up like my parents who lived paycheck to paycheck and never saved a dime. I do have a retirement pension, some money in a 401K type plan and SS if it’s still around.
Before I left her I had the unfortunate display of timing of meeting a wonderful, talented, beautiful woman who was heading for divorce after 34 years of marriage. The timing, like I said sucks, but meeting her doesn’t. I fell head over heels in love with her. She was everything I dreamed about when I was pondering who I would want to marry when I was in my teens.
I had already planned on leaving my wife, so I can’t blame it on this new woman my psychologist called a “shiny new toy”. He said the shine would wear off and I’d be left with just another relationship that would likely be doomed. Sorry Mr. Psychologist. It’s been almost three years ago and I’m more in love with this woman now than I was then. She is absolutely gorgeous and talented and all the above as when I met her. She loves me and I know it. I feel it. She’s full of energy and I draw life from her.
The crux of it all is I don’t hate my soon to be ex. Not in the least. I’m not even mad at her for her misgivings. I’m just not in love with her anymore nor do I want to prolong her thoughts that we’ll get back together. We won’t.
I had what is typically called an affair with my new-found love of almost three years now. I wasn’t looking for it. . .or her for that matter. I had settled for what I had. Now I know I would have died a slow death, literally if I had not met her. She’s good for me.
Now to the “golden years” thing. I love my girl. She is always concerned about me. My problems are family background. Heart disease, stroke, etc. I’m what was the oldest of five boys. Two are dead. One from a heart attack, one who considered suicide more advantageous than life itself. One other has had by-pass surgery and is doing quite well and the youngest is only 42 living in Hawaii with his life partner. I don’t have anything against his lifestyle. I prefer to have a brother I can speak to and have some degree of relationship although he’s thousands of miles away.
I have felt really good till recently when I had an onslaught from my wife over something she took as a serious infraction against her on my part. I’ve tried to be as civil as possible to the point of taking her anger and allowing myself to absorb it. It didn’t go over well. It affected me physically. I’ve suffered issues since that make me realize my mortality. I have things wrong with me that have been with me for years and they are becoming more magnified. I nerve damage in my left shoulder that sometimes affects my left shoulder, down my arm and sometimes my left chest wall. I’ve discussed this with doctors for years. All say the same. I have to live with it. I was injured in an accident back in 1998 when my neck was damaged. It affects my whole left side. I’ve seen chiropractors and doctors to no avail. It still bothers me. I tire out very easily now compared to the years I mentioned earlier. I don’t know from what other than my heart may need some attention, but I take a plethora of drugs and a multiple of them have a side effect of fatigue, tiredness, shortness of breath, dizziness, etc. I brought this to the attention of my doctor and his comment? Beats pushing up daisies. Thanks doc.
Don’t get me wrong. I still enjoy life. I like working in my yard to what extent I can. Just takes longer. Thanks to Lib, she is industrious and helps me. We take walks together of at least a couple of miles. I don’t suffer any from that. We’ve planned things together well in advance of now. I still plan on being around for many more years. Lib says I have to. I have to obey her wishes. Like I wouldn’t want to? I enjoy sitting in the swing outside in the evenings when the sketers aren’t biting. I enjoy laying in the bed before going to sleep and talking for at least an hour before drifting off to sleep. Lib and I talk about everything and anything. We hide nothing from each other. I like that about us very much. If she doesn’t like something I do, she is free to tell me and we discuss it. We don’t argue about it. I find things about her that crosses up my way of thinking and still, we discuss, not argue about it. I find myself in situations that would have set me off with my soon-to-be, but with Lib I can’t get upset or mad with her. She’s just so damn lovable. She encourages me to be involved in things. She is just as into my joining a Corvette Club as she was that I do so. She goes to car shows and benefits with me. Let’s just say I love her more than anything else in this world.
But so far as “golden years” go, they’re not golden. To me, with Lib in my life they’re platinum. Grayish, yet more valuable so far as I’m concerned, yet they do equal each other in value on the market. Platinum just fits me better.
🙂 2 thumbs way up. 😉
Thanks. Lib is lifeunderacarolinamoon and she is a talented writer too. I love that woman.