I sometimes wonder where my sense of humor went when all the time it’s right there staring me in the face. Two events come to mind involving the same person. I’m not picking on him. He’s a great guy. He’s very smart, good conversationalist and friend. Well, hopefully he’ll remain a friend.
It all revolves around the two public restroom incidents of which I was the instigator of the first. It was a drizzly Saturday evening. We’d been to eat somewhere and then we went to this small gift shop with an ice cream shop in the back area. People stop there more for the ice cream and as you would guess, any place with foods of sorts must have a bathroom. Well this one was just a small one-holer and the best I can remember it was what I call a unisex restroom. Well, we had all gotten ice cream, which I must admit was quite good. We had gone outside under the awning in front of the business and sat down in decorative lawn chairs to enjoy the cool rainy day. Permit me to say I take a variety of medications of the usual “old people” variety. Side effects abound in such a cocktail of pills I take in the morning, one of which is very aromatic visits to the bathroom. Some of the visits should warrant the use of cans of air fresheners and a very large fan. So here goes. As we sat there my stomach began to boil, growl and howl. That is the signal to not wait and see what comes next while what comes next is on the verge of making my day turn to hell on earth. I get up to go the restroom inside and some little kid is in there and he’s slow. So slow I begin to wonder if the store could clear its patronage so as to not suffocate the faint of heart. Butt checks clinched as I stood there feeling a little flush, pun intended.
The kid finally finished up and opens the door and I almost run him over as he exits. I shut the door, turn around and down go my shorts, still belted, buttoned and zipped. Then a barrage of bombs go off as though one would look to see if the flag still flies after a night of battle tending to write a new national anthem. I lost so much I felt as though the scales would drop like a fat guy at his first visit to a weight loss center after two weeks of dieting on boiled cabbage. Ahhhhh!! That was all I could think.
Anyway, now I’m left with a stench that would kill a wart hog and it’s all confined inside that tiny little room where all four walls are in arms reach. What to do, what to do. No air freshener. Oh well. Maybe I will exit and no one will be waiting to follow me. Fortunately so, so I made a quick exit and as I sat down my friend decided he needed to go.
Oh no. Please don’t was all I could think, but there he went. In a few minutes he came back and we all got in the vehicle to leave and as we closed the door he started. “Man, let me tell you. There was smell in that bathroom that was horrendous!” He went on to say it must have been that kid that went in there not realizing I went in after. He continued to say things like it was so bad the paint was peeling off the wall. He said he’d never smelt anything so atrocious and what made it so funny by then was that Libby knew it was me who had committed this deed and she was laughing so hard she could barely contain herself. He wouldn’t stop talking about it and his wife got into the conversation by saying he needed to calm down. He had actually gotten rather dramatic about it by saying things like it was so rotten it could kill rats in his raised voice, which only heightened the sound of laughter from Lib and his wife and myself. I dare not tell him it was me.
The next opportunity arose a few months later when the same couple, Lib and I went to a restaurant to eat. It was good food, but nothing to write home about. We sat and talked well past finishing our meals and the place had filled with people by then. I felt the need to let some of my tea return to its rightful owner, so I got up and took my bill with me to the front and paid. The men’s room was right there next to the counter so I went in and took my leave. The door opens behind me and in walks my friend, who was returning his tea. He goes into a stall opposite from me. I finish up, zip up and turn to wash my hands when I got the scare of my life. He’s standing there peeing and his shorts are around his ankles with no underwear. Now for you information, I’ve been in the military and still I work in a military setting with a locker room as my most immediate source to remedy my fluid pill induced kidney function. I’ve even seen the commanding officer nude several times in that locker room as it seemed he like to parade around in such a manner with unflinching candor. Not just him, but several Navy personnel come and go to shower and dress for work or PT. But I did not expect what I saw that evening in a restaurant restroom. When I looked around there was the hairiest butt I believe I’ve ever seen. I was more embarrassed that someone might walk in any second and be stunned by the same sight as I had witnessed. If I had thought different I’d have thought a bear had walked in, stood up and used the urinal. Thoughts of shaving a number 3 on each cheek and yelling “EARNHEART” came to mind, but that would have led to a tussle and possibly an arrest.
Anyway, life does still have its harrowing moments, but in jest, as Libby says “Everything’s funny” took over my thinking and I’ve tried to not traumatize anyone else. They’ll get you back in a most indelible way.
Bathroom humor is always funny. Hell, if you can’t laugh at yourself in cases like this, you’ll just be miserable with embarrassment anyway.
Glad to see you back here writing again!