The following statements from from my observations on the YouTube video titled:
What I Learned from my Husband’s Suicide
I’ve listened to the video and could not help feeling this woman’s heart that has and continues to be wrung from the experience of her husband’s suicide. She expressed her feeling so well as to her helplessness of not recognizing the signs of her husband’s so well hidden yet plainly viewable markers of depression upon his life.
One thing that struck me was I thought I was depressed myself only in my mid-fifties from what was classified as “situational depression” due to my failing marriage and my poor judgments from trying to deal with it that caused me to have anxiety attacks and ended with me seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for severe depression.
Lori’s discovery of her husband’s documentation gave her a view of the dark side of his life-long dilemma. That struck me because in my mid-twenties I was having issues and being a writer at heart I started writing my feelings in composition notebooks and kept them under the seat of my car to keep them hidden. Little did I know my first wife had come to a place she did not know what to do and looked around till she found my writings and read them. It gave her insight to my issues. It was shortly after this I sought God and I mean I would beat down church house doors looking for solace. Thank God He took me by the hand and walked my family and me into a realm where I awoke to a whole new nature in Him. I don’t know why, but one day early on I stood in my driveway and watched the clouds pass overhead and for the life of me I could not understand why their movement looked so much different that I’d ever seen before. It was like God was speaking to me.
I fasted for a week not long afterward and found myself baptized in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of tongues. The evening before this life-changing event, having fasted all week I was on my way to work and having had a richness of God over me I found that richness had gone. I felt a void like no other. I was driving over the Cape Fear River Bridge on my way to work and on the highest part of the bridge I felt that void so overwhelming I came to within a split second of sharply turning my steering wheel to run my car over the rail into the river some 100 ft below.
In that split second God took hold of me and got me to work where I told my supervisor I could not stay. He took one look at me and said I looked like I’d seen a ghost and told me to go home. I went home around one o’clock and knelt in front of my couch and cried for about an hour. Then God poured Himself on me and I felt heavenly words flow from my mouth and my heart became once again full.
If I may say this without retribution, I feel I was given just a small touch of what Jesus felt on the cross when he cried out to the Father asking Him why He had forsaken Him. Even Jesus felt the void God left in Him on the cross. I vowed then and there I never wanted to live another second of my life without His presence in my life.
I walked for years with His presence and still do. Yet He tested me and still does. But not without knowing He is ever-presence in my life. No matter how I feel, since that night on the way to work have I been without Him in my life
What I just shared is why I grieve for those who think today is the day to end it all, not realizing that tomorrow is another day to overcome today’s circumstances and walk afresh with God in sanity of spirit.