Livin' Small

It’s Friday evening.  It’s been a normal week.  Normal things, normal happenings, normal life.

I watch and read the things my friends post on Facebook.  I have found one person that I once worked with who has a thirst for the wonders of being.  Just being.  She looks into the sky and wonders the how and why of it all.  I told her with the insightful questions she posts she should blog these things so she can go back later and see how she’s progressed in her quest for the meaning of life.

This put me to thinking this evening when I took my girls outside for their evening walk before bed.  I stood off in the dark of the back-end of the carport while they stood in the light.  My thoughts drifted to the undisputable truth that my most favorite part of the day is when I can hold Libby close to me in my arms.  The feel of her breath against my face, the touch of her arms around me.  The warm touch of skin against skin.  Her inviting kisses that take me into another realm of being.  She’s what has helped heal me from my past and kept me alive.  I can hold her and feel like I was plugged into an energy source from which I can draw fresh new life.  Touch.  A long forgotten art that stirs emotional satisfaction.  The spirit of another reverberates from one being to another.  There’s never an overload.  Just the right amount of exchange to make one another drift off to sleep fulfilled, ready for another day.

As I moved over to the light where my girls were I looked up to see the stars above.  A universe so full and vibrant with life that is unknown to those who have no wonderment of anything above ground level.  Most are like chickens that peck the ground looking for something to feed them.  I’m reminded I’m an eagle who soars high in the skies and yes, looking downward when hungry, but it presents a broader range of objectives to choose from for the menu.  But my main thought is propelled to look at all my surroundings from a higher perspective.  Not only do I look down, but I also look up.  I’m feeling the air for the currents that can take me higher as I soar on open wing.  But most of all the night sky shows me what can’t be seen in the light of day and that is the vastness of space that lies beyond the haze of the sky above.  Daylight has its rightful place to show us the way without stumbling, but night has its place too.  In it we tend to grow even though the path is not clear.  We gain the understanding of our place in the vastness of the universe.

I realize this body is merely a suit in which my spirit may guide my soul.  My spirit is guided by my God.  He is supreme.  He created me.  His will is what spurs me on.  Leaving

Libby

this body doesn’t end my existence.  It frees it to be more than an earthbound being.  I accept that.

Libby, I love.  To her I have given my heart.  Why?  Because she has given me things in life I have never had.  A touch, a giving spirit are her most marked attributes.  But there are so many more.  I can see in her eyes that she truly loves me and cares for me.  And she tells me constantly, sometimes asking if she says it too much.  My answer is “No, it’s never too much”.

As of late I’ve started to wonder.  With each succeeding year I grow older, less able, less attentive.  I have less memory and stamina.

My most intriguing of thoughts is why I have no emotion.  No unction, no feelings.  I think to myself what shall I do to re-establish my emotional side or maybe it’s something entirely different. 

There are things I definitely know, such as I’m where I’m supposed to be.  I’m with who I’m supposed to be with.  I can feel the connection.  It’s real.  It’s right, but there is no emotion attached to it.

Is this because I’m getting to an age of belief without having to have emotion to affect me? 

This evening I asked God would it take another mental breaking to obtain my emotional state and before I could finish my question a resounding “Yes” was my answer.  So, God, how and why?  Why does it necessitate another mental breaking to get me back to that state of being?

I suppose in the coming time I will know.  It will come to me and I will know.  Libby will know.  All who are close to me will know.  My only hope that it doesn’t have a physical consequence to it as well.  Time will tell.

Lately it seems that Libby has taken on a new food fetish.  I’ve always added salsa to my mac n cheese to give it some kick.  But she’s taken it to a new level.  Baby limas, black-eyed peas and scrambled eggs are not left to themselves without the inclusion of salsa.  She has put on a pot of pinto beans this evening.  Where will it all end?

She loves this particular brand as it has no sugar added.  It is more of a natural style of salsa.  It’s usually only found in the true Mexican section in our local supermarket, not down the isle with Pace’s, Old El Paso and the other assortment of Mexican style foods.  It was me that got her onto this brand, because I wanted to try something that appeared to be more authentic.

Libby is a beautiful woman with dangerous curves.  I wouldn’t have her any other way.  Not skin stretched over bones for me.  She wants to lose weight, but I told her she doesn’t have to, but she insists she needs to for reasons other than vanity.  It’s her health, therefore I support her wish to do so.

If this salsa is a sign of her desire, so be it.  This is not to say she hasn’t watched the calories and eating healthy foods.  She does.  It’s not the “salsa” diet.  It’s a part of what she’s doing, but it appears to play an important role in her diet to give her flavor she can enjoy.

Either way, I love her and support her in her latest endeavor, even though I find the salsa to be her “gone wild” food.  It’s cool with me.

It’s early evening

And I sit here alone

My love is in the bed

Sick with a cold.

My mind is hushed

My heart is open

With my thoughts

I blushed.

I love her so much

She’s my dream real

I love her touch.

Her voice so soft

In my ear

When she says to me

I love you

Like bees love honey.

And I say to her

I love you like

A fat baby

Loves cake.

I ran up the door, opened the stairs,

Said my pajamas and put on my prayers –

Turned off my bed, tumbled into my light,

And all because she kissed me good-night!

~Author Unknown

Wanna feel helpless?  Try a nosebleed so bad you have clots coming down from your sinuses as big as . . . well you get the picture.  That coupled with the fact that Libby isn’t familiar with Raleigh and depending on OnStar trying to find our way to Crabtree mall with our Aunt Doris.  I felt so helpless for both of them as I was in the back seat with a bath towel over my pinched nose.  Throw is running a red light and blaring horns and I would say it’s better than a roller coaster ride at Busch Gardens.  We did get there finally.  I hated having to leave Aunt Doris at Belks there.  Like shopping while riding one of those fancy carts wouldn’t be a splendid idea.  I still have to give moral support to Libby to get us out-of-town though Saturday evening traffic. . .during Christmas shopping time, no less.  I felt so bad for Libby.  I just couldn’t drive.  We finally made it to the last major exit before I-95 and stopped at a Bojangles so Lib could get something to eat and let her racked nerves calm while I sat there until my nose stopped bleeding.  The rest of the trip was uneventful, gladly so.

I apparently have a broken blood vessel in my right nostril which will need cauterizing.  I’m going to my ENT doc tomorrow if I can get in.  It bled some more this morning, but I’m being still and taking it easy.  Although not having bled so much this morning, I’m figuring it would take more time than I want to wait for it to heal on its own.  I’ve had some pretty bad sinus issues this past week which I believe precipitated this issue.  My BP is pretty much where it always is, so I’ve discounted that.  Ya’ll can still say I’m crazy, but I’ve not been sick until I took that flu shot.  Sounds like a long shot, eh?  But the head cold/sinus blockage, low-grade fever a couple of days right after tell me different.  The nose bleeds are an extension of the sinus issue.  To me, this as Spock would say, is logical to me.  I know this can sound gross, but I’ve bled through at least three bath towels, napkins, toilet paper and paper towels.  It started bleeding about thirty minutes before the show was over and I was put in a wheelchair and taken to the first aid unit headed by Rex Hospital staff.  Great bunch of people.  Very caring.

This morning Libby and I trekked out to church as we have started the habit of.  This church takes communion every Sunday.  The pastor and I talked of it this past Thursday and I understand their reasoning in doing so.  It is a solemn thing to do to partake of the Lord’s Supper.

Libby had not done so in several years, much the same as I.  We both went forward to take communion and Libby took hers and went to her seat.  I took mine and went to her side and sat down.  I noticed she was visibly touched.  She was lightly crying.  She later told me she was trembling when she went to take the bread and the cup.  God is truly taking it to heart her submission to Him.  I felt this morning as we took communion together for the first time that something in the spirit between us changed.  More solidification of our relationship took place.  It was more indication to me that we are supposed to be together at this time in our lives. 

Libby is a very sensitive person.  She hears God speak, but is in total awe of it that He would do so.  I’m very pleased to know her spiritual ears are tuned to His voice.

I cannot put into words the love I carry for this woman.  I am truly blessed.