Painting With the Heart


One can easily look at my right middle finger next to the fingernail and deduce I use a pensplashy color or pencil a lot. But that doesn’t make me a writer. Writing stories and allegories, prose and poems, fiction and non-fiction come from the heart, mind and imagination. The fingers of my hand have been the instruments that have penned some of these things when my inspiration was active with life that was full of tumult, happiness and just plain curiosity.

In my youth I drew pictures of mostly sketches and cartoons. I tried painting, but could not get the hang of it. In my mid-twenties I began to form letters into words from the mind-art my soul wanted to paint. Drawing with stories is about as difficult sometimes as making an image of something you see.

The world is a big place. The military took me places I’d never expected to see. States and countries out there in this world have such different colors of people and culture. We, as a people, paint this world with what comes from our being. Some paint pastels of compassion. Some paint sharp intrusive colors of their will upon others. There are people who paint bright slick colors of happiness, yet we will still have some who paint the world with flat colors of depression and gloom.

When I got to my fifties I began to paint a mishmash of images from my mind. Some were flat colors, some were glossy. There were mountainous stories, but when you have mountains in your life, you also have lush valleys. Greens, yellows and blues of all hues stretched out across that decade of my life. Unfortunately there were some dark greys, reds and a smattering of black. I found life didn’t necessarily have the defined lines of color, but more like a splash of color thrown against life mixing together to make a blend of life I had not expected.

I gave up life as it was and put up a new canvas. The old painting I’d worked on for all my life till that time now sits in the dark corner of the room away from the light upon a new canvas. The sun shines brightly on it as my mind imagines the new images I’ve painted. Life and love have new meaning.

What colors do you use to paint the world around you?

Posted in Ponderings | 3 Comments

Keyboard Patriots?


I lay awake this morning thinking. Sometimes I can’t help but run over some thoughts of Patriot warthe previous day and analyze things I have read. An interesting term caught my eye on Facebook yesterday.
“Keyboard Patriots” is new to me, but rings a very clear bell. It was used to describe a certain genre of people who can post entries of their patriotism, yet lack the testicular fortitude to back it up. They are apt to be called “sheeple”. This is another term which I relate to cattle going to slaughter. I picture two cows in the line with one asking of the other where they were going. The other says they don’t know, but let’s go since nothing appears to be happening anyway.
But, things ARE happening. As I’ve said before I’m no conspiracy theorist and don’t purport in any fashion to be. I’m a realist. I have to know my enemy. My enemy is not an uneducated individual or group. They appear to be backward yet in my best estimation are a demon-possessed group of people driven to kill any and all who defy their religion. Oh, but you say, that’s hogwash. Have you studied the Middle East? Do you know their mind-set?
The worst of the keyboard patriots call themselves Christians. Do we know we are the key target of this people’s rage? They kill Christians because they represent the promise of Abraham that was taken from them thousands of years ago. Ishmael, of whom they descended from, is the father of these zealots of Islam. They are so jealous of the promise of Abraham that they have taken the Christian God and made him their god. They have switched out Jesus for Mohammed and turned the one true God of Abraham into a militant god they call Allah. To carry this even further a notch, women are less than animals. People, these warriors of Allah, wipe their butts with their bare left hand. They have sex with goats, because they consider it an alternative to women. They are filthy people.
If we were to drop off any who read this right now today in the middle of a country they control you would likely be the target of a beheading for the glory of Allah. Folks, this isn’t some joke or far-fetched reality. It’s happening right now.
The comment I read came from a video stating that ISIS (just another term for these people) are already in Mexico and likely crossing into our unprotected southern border. This is a real threat. How long has it been that causes us to forget these same people by another name came to American airports just over a decade ago and commandeered passenger airliners and rammed them into two of the largest symbolic buildings of free trade in the United States and also the symbolic heart of our military might? They want us dead. As many of you as possible gone from the face of the earth is their goal.
I’m no keyboard patriot. I have served time in the military. I know the sacrifices that have been made by my fellow soldiers in Vietnam. A lot of us died there. In fact some fifty-eight thousand young men and women died for a politically motivated war that the French left behind in their own defeat. We don’t need another needless war. It tore our country apart. And it’s been unraveling ever since.
No. I will not be a keyboard patriot. The time will come that we will be forced to take up arms again to defend our land. I don’t think we will be overcome by our enemy, because I don’t think for a minute that true Americans will sit idly by and let an enemy invade this country. The military might of this country still surpasses any enemy’s invasion, but it will be the common everyday man and woman who takes up arms that will be the most effective of all. We’re not like countries that have been disarmed by its government making us unarmed targets with no way to defend ourselves. We will not sit idly by and be civilian casualties. We will become warriors of defense in our nation. Stand up now or you may be a victim on a video of a beheading. They mean what they say. Do you?

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Moral Decay of America


038americaAs I get older, I get a more complete picture of life. I suppose we all do. There is so much to say I don’t know if I can organize it all.

I don’t know if all of us older folks do this. I can only think it does. There’s a page on Face Book that’s titled “I Farmed Tobacco as A Child”. It’s titled to hit a particular demographic of older folks, but I would think the underlying principle I’ll present runs through all older generations of Americans. These folks, including myself are from this genre’ of life.

What I’m looking at in the posts of this page is this. We all seem to long for those days again when things were much simpler. Government invading every corner of our lives was not so much of a problem. It was more of a distant body that didn’t completely filter down to the grassroots level of life. We worked the ground for our income and food. We raised hogs and hunted deer and squirrel for our food among other things. We had dozens of chickens for eggs and a pan to fry them in on occasion. Our gardens were large enough to make it necessary to can the vegetables and store the onions and potatoes in a cool dry place. Many evenings during the summer we sat in the living room around a black and white Zenith TV with pliers sitting on top to change the channels. All three of them to be exact. While sitting there our minds were divided between what was on while shelling beans or peas and snapping string beans. Come fall we had tomatoes, beans, peas, corn potatoes and onions stored away for winter. Mom would make pickles too, but that isn’t in my diet I have to say. I like fresh cucumber only. Okra was something we didn’t can. We ate most of them up as quick at they came off from the garden. Killin’ hogs was a family event. And yes, we did something with everything but the squeal. I remember seeing my dad eat hog brains scrambled into eggs. I also remember taking cuts of meat to a local grocery where they had a meat grinder and they let us grind it into sausage. We seasoned our own. When we brought it home we’d freeze that much at least, but I do remember the old smoke house and pork barrel. I remember seeing those hams and shoulders hanging there inside and fishing around in the barrel for a slab of bacon or fat back. There was no dependence on the government for anything. Subsistence was totally on us and we were very good at it. We never went hungry.

We did have our reality, which meant times when week after week we ate vegetables for our meals on week days. Collards, butterbeans, black-eyed peas with dumplings and potatoes were the staple on many nights. Meat was a weekend affair. I would imagine that’s why the “gospel bird” got its name for Sunday dinner when the preacher came to eat with us. Chicken was a wonderful thing to have on the table. My dad’s only fetish was a few Saturday evenings mom would get a T-bone steak for him, which I salivated over just for the bone if I could have had it. No, it wasn’t that bad. But we got home-made soup with a little bit of hamburger thrown in. I didn’t care. Didn’t even know we were poor dirt farmers. I just thought that was the way it was. I had no complaints.

The underlying principle here if you haven’t gotten it yet is that most Americans knew how to survive back then. This was the way it was at least till 1960’s. Then the hippie revolution hit and making more money became the thing across the broad range of people. Some tuned out as was said and some wanted the almighty dollar. Civil rights became a huge issue and I was witness to the assassination of a president, presidential hopeful and the only civil rights leader I grew to appreciate. All of these in just that one decade.

Inflation began to rear its ugly head in the sixties. For just a basic look, gas and cigarettes in the fifties and sixties was something like 28 cents a gallon and less than that for a pack of cigarettes. I don’t have to tell you what that is now. Somewhere during the seventies I began to realize that raising the minimum wage, salary increases, from my perspective, was part of a cycle that was beginning to emerge. If we got what we wanted in money it only meant the producers of goods would have to increase their prices because they had to pay workers more, so it got passed on to the consumers. The feeding frenzy of increased salaries and increased cost of goods has not stopped. Everyone will have a different view I suppose, but what if we had maintained a livable salary based on costs at the time, would product costs gone up? If so, I dare say not so dramatically as they have to say the least.

Housing in the fifties would get you a decent size home for a family for less than ten thousand dollars. I watch HGTV now and people spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for the average home now. How do they pay for it? With money from jobs that pay extraordinarily good can be the only answer. I don’t begrudge them. I don’t want a big house. I just want to live a comfortable life with people being more valuable to me than the material things others want.

Churches have become prideful in the number of people they can garner into a mega-sized buildings and then staff it with highly paid “servants” to watch after these swarms of people. I’m better off in a small church where I know the people and they know me. Large churches can be breeding grounds for greed and all sorts of other things, although I have to say you don’t have to have a large church for that to be so. I’ve known a small church were given time the administrator embezzled a quarter million dollars. We all know what happened to Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart. I’m not going to say I’m free of sin, but for whom much is given, much is required. I’ve made my mistakes and I’ve paid for them. I figure these men have too and if they want to continue to minister that’s between them and God. It’s the thoughts of the masses about them that will forever scar them from the pinnacle they once stood upon.

Civil rights has always been an issue. Let’s not confine it to America. It’s a world issue. Blacks in Africa sold their own people off to slavery and many ended up here. Whites abused the blacks and built and economy in the U.S. off of their backs in the 1800’s. If any are still feeling the oppression it’s not all from the white race. It’s a share and share alike kind of abuse. The majority of people I know want better for themselves and others, while a few still like to preach oppression. If we all lay down our swords and work toward a common goal of unity the past issues will cease to exist.

Through the eighties and nineties we saw a progression of division and on into the new millennium. The divide now has been spread across all people. Now it’s more than just racial divides. It’s class against class of people whether white, black or otherwise. There is no cohesion among the people of this country and it’s systematically being torn apart by a socialist leadership that either by the people or a hint of fraudulent sleight of hand was voted into office. We can’t really blame the leadership first. First we have to blame ourselves for relinquishing our patriotism for self-loathing greed. We now have gone from self-reliance to entitlement of everything everyone else has. This didn’t just start with this present administration. It’s been working up through the last four decades at least. This present administration can be more open to its blatant destruction because over these decades we’ve been numbed to it so that we are more receptive to accepting it and believing it as a way of life.

Israel was much the same way in its years of being a nation. They’d stray away from God and He would allow for their captivity to Babylon for instance. They would suffer from their own lack of judgment until someone of their people proclaimed their sin and all turned and then God would return them to their land. It even came to the point God scattered them all over the earth and their land was gone and the Nazi’s tried to abolish the earth of their very existence. But with all that God heard their cry and returned them to their land. They are a tough, resilient people now since coming back to their land. They know how to deal with the Arab nations, because they know how they think. Americans have no idea how to do this. We shouldn’t be trying to shore up peace there with direct involvement, but I’m quite sure if we give the nation of Israel the ammunition they need, they can demolish the issues the Arab nations devise upon them.

But for Americans, we have an open border to our south and it will be a player in our demise. Mark my words. We are headed towards an internal war on our own ground in the not too distant future. These people coming into our nation unbridled by a blind-eyed administration are here for a reason and it isn’t for a better life in America. It’s to take over. Drug cartels are using children as a means to get in. They are their front. Central Americans and even terrorists are coming over our own border right now and our administration is busing them around the nation and dropping them off in strategic spots. They’ve even hinted at dropping some off in Hawaii. This isn’t some conspiracy theory. Look around at the news folks. It’s happening right now. This day.

I’m a sane enough person to recognize the demise of morality in our nation and it will cause the death of one of the most powerful nations ever on the face of this earth. Are you ready or are you willing to take the bull by the horns and take America back?

I love my country. I love what it stood for. I am a patriot. I will defend it against all enemies without and more importantly now from within.

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The Mind and Its Dreams


Yesterday a simple thought came to mind.  I have dreams sometimes that leave me wondering in thought.  I had another one last night of a driver of a car in front of me totally losing control running across the road, flipping and landing on the roof.  All this happened at the same time two cars tangled together and were flipping around in the road.  They were in the oncoming lanes of a five lane highway on the edge of a town.  It was like the guy in front of me wrecked when he saw the other wreck.  They weren’t even close enough to cause the one in front of me.  I witnessed both and turned around to help the guy that had been in front of me.  I just noticed I used the metaphor of a car in thinking, too, in yesterday’s writing.

But back to yesterday, I wrote the short poem of sorts and something of another dream that has been a recurring dream, or so I think.  Someone will think I’m crazy I suppose, but that’s okay.  I’m me and I’m used to it.

Have you ever noticed when your mind is out of gear,

Like a car it’s left to coast far and near?

It can go from here to there with only a thought

Creating world peace or a battle fought.

The mind is truly something filled with a lot of power

When the tongue says things that makes one cower.

Remember to train the mind with the Spirit.

From bad thoughts you must clear it.

From the mind to the tongue

Comes the birth

Of death

Or life

——————–

Some days as I sit, I find my mind takes trips into the fog it creates. My eyes get heavy. Sleep makes its way into it and mixes with it causing dreams to come forth. For quite a while those dreams were passive in nature. I’d see and hear things happening and it was always an observance for me as I was always a spectator, but lately I’ve become involved in the dream. It has caused me to have to participate. Now I awake with some knowledge of the dream as though I came from another dimension having relevance to life around me. Some scenes are stuck in my head. One or two such scenes have me eluding someone.

I am going down a dirt road and see a house in one dream. The house was probably built in the thirties and it’s vacant. The windows are broken or missing altogether. There are thick woods on both sides of the road except for a left side road across from the house on my right. From my vantage point it just disappears off into the woods. I don’t know where it goes nor do I know where the road I’m on goes either. It’s a cool damp overcast evening. The foggy mist is heavy enough to see the droplets floating in the air.

I take my leave from the walk and go into the house. Its musty smell lends to the fact that no one has lived in it for a long time. There’s still old dusty furniture in the house, so I go to a bedroom to lay on a bed next to an opening where a window once was. The framework of glass is gone. There’s just the frame and sill base. I lay down to rest after beating the dust from the mattress.

At some point I hear people out on the road. There were perhaps four to six of them and I hear the conversation. They are looking for me. One of them comes to the window where I am laying and looks in to see me, yet he doesn’t alert the others. He just winks and says not to worry. He did not see anything here. Why, if this group is looking for me, does this one say he didn’t see me? I had raised up on my right elbow when I saw the guy looking in and then lay back down with no concern of the situation and continued to rest. The group then proceeds down the road across from the house and disappear from sight.

All is well.   I’m content.

Posted in Dreams, Poetry, Random Thoughts | 2 Comments

Remember When Calories Didn’t Count?


Yesterday morning found me on the road to the Piggly Wiggly deli to get some fresh link JJs piessausage.  That’s some fierce eating right there.  In all likelihood it shouldn’t be on my diet list, but what the hay.  I take my cholesterol medication.  It works in my favor.  All I need do is give it something to fight.  Right?!

When I got up to the register there before it was four stacks of those turnover looking pies you see in various packages from different bakeries.  They had two stacks of apple, and one each of blackberry and peach.  Guess what those things did to me.  They made my hand shoot right out and grabbed a peach one.  Then on my way to the register I go.

This morning I remembered my peach pie and stuck it in my lunch bag.  And just now I had that hankerin’ for it.  I slowly ate every crumb of it.  Man, was it good. . . till I picked up the box to throw it in the trash and I saw on the nutritional facts.  There it was.  Four hundred calories with 150 from fat.  But wait!  Zero cholesterol.  SAVED!  Still there was that calorie count.  Ugh.  No exclamation point on that ugh.  Just one of utter disgust.

When I was younger, that didn’t seem to matter, so why now at my age should I now have to endure to knowledge that I should not have devoured such a tantalizing treat?

Another reason to say that old age sucks.

 

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What It Is, Is Relationship


Shiny New ToyAs an older man now I have the perfect vision of hindsight. I have quite a bit of it. It is too bad that when we’re young we don’t consider much for foresight and its consequences. I don’t fault anyone for my mistakes. Some were large, some were small and insignificant. The latter made little to change my life, but the larger ones did.

I’ve hurt people badly and for that I am truly sorry. The problem is I made choices I tried to live with and found them impossible to do so as I grew older.

What I say first is the hardest to confess. I married at the age of twenty-one. I most assuredly now know I should have reconsidered it. It’s not that good didn’t come from it. I have two wonderful sons, who are successful in life and I feel have been positive contributors to society. One is a district manager of a major banking chain and the other served this country for twenty-one years and retired as a Master Sergeant. I have two wonderful granddaughters, one of which I have not seen in five years. I’m an outcast for deciding I could no longer continue in marriage hence the younger granddaughter’s absence from my life.

People can speculate what happened, but to put it straightforward it’s no one’s business about the details. Let’s just say it happened. 

I will only say that I grew unhappy with everything, not just marriage. I also grew to realize that all the good my church did for my maturity as a Christian did not change the fact that there were corrupt leaders in the church. It bordered on being a cult. When the pastor says you better be to a service unless you’re dead or dying should tell you just an inkling of many other things that was used to control members. You might say I should give him a little leeway in the statement, but I knew he was serious. I also saw him use people’s talents to further his cause and when he was done with them they were tossed aside like empty wheat husks from the harvest.

Maybe no one else is brave enough to say it without anger, but I can. I’m a most compassionate person and it’s a virtue that’s been tested. Don’t ask me. Ask people who know me. I spent thirty years of my life honing that skill. I saw a lot of people hurt and leaving the church over what I saw. I even confronted the pastor about his actions, but that was of little consequence.

I could never develop a relationship with this man, although his call to prospective leadership was to get close to him. I don’t know of anyone who ever got close to him stayed very long. I knew some para-famous pastors who tried, but ran as far the other way as they could once they got to know him.   One of my fellow deacons confided in me after I left the church that a seasoned ministry told him to run, not walk, but run as fast as you can from him when he left. This seasoned ministry was one of my pastor’s mentors on top of all that.

My relationship with God suffered greatly over the last seven to ten years. In the beginning of realizing this I found one important issue I needed to confront. I had grown weary in well-doing. Works will not foster a robust, healthy relationship with God. It will, however, cause one to lose their spiritual acuity. In the beginning of my walk I had a close relationship with God and could talk with Him. I’d grown dull to His voice. I lost my conversation into the spiritual realm. Relationship was lost.

One final word on this part of life was that I realized something no one else seemed to catch onto. When my pastor gave up this role in leadership to become something more of a pastor emeritus it became apparent to me he was suffering from a chronic disease. He would end up in the hospital to remove fluid from his lungs. It would be as much as a liter in an overnight stay in the hospital. I knew what that meant, but no one would speak it. He was experiencing congestive heart failure. Knowing this he gave over the reins of pastoral care to another. He passed away the first of June 2009 at his desk preparing for service for the next morning.

Once he passed the new pastor was quick to move away from the methods and means of the old way the church was run and even changed the name of the church to remove the stigma of all that had gone before. All of my past there was gone, save the memories of what once was.

Now my life had been stripped of marital and spiritual relationship. I ended up dealing with depression, anxiety attacks and sitting in a psychologist’s office. Losing marriage drove me there. The church was an ancillary loss past that.

Just a brief insight to the marriage can be summarized here. Well over a year, more like two before I ended it, I began my research as to what should I do. I tried to put things together in my head as to what I should do. She tried to leave me once during that time and for the second time in our marriage I talked her into staying. I should have relinquished and let her go then. Maybe I wouldn’t have been such a bad guy then. I’ll admit I met someone just prior to leaving, but I didn’t expect it to be a major factor in leaving. I would have left anyway. Our roads crossed at a crucial time in both our lives, yet we clicked. If no one else understands or believes it we both decided both of us should walk away if it was felt necessary by either of us and we did do that for a while. Once I left the damage was done and I was in counseling. Needless to say it was of little use to me. I explained to the psychologist about my separation and meeting someone else. His description of her was a “shiny new toy”. If I were to go back today I would have to tell him my “shiny new toy” is still shining as brightly and more than ever.

At that time I’d learned what failed relationship was. I’d lost my marriage, church and more than anything else my spiritual relationship.

Then came out of the dust of a failed past a woman I could not get away from. I know I write a lot about her, but it’s impossible to not write about her. Libby told me once if I needed to go back to my wife she would honor my decision even though it would sadden her. She was not going to hold to me if I didn’t want a relationship with her. I told her the same. It was her choice to stay with me if she so chose. From that we began to build a relationship. All prior relationships had conditions, but this one did not. We didn’t place any conditional requirements on one another. We accepted each other for who we were. . .baggage and all. And believe me, we do have baggage and we deal with it. Still our love for each other has grown out of that simple unconditional love for each other.

Since then we’ve grown together more tightly than I would have ever supposed. When I was thirteen or so I asked God one night. . .well more than “one” night. . .what my future wife would look like. Libby is that woman. I recognized her a long time ago as that dream come true. We both sometime opine why we did not meet when we were young. We would have had bunches of kids. I can picture them all tow-headed rascals with both boys and girls. Still we have life as it is. Like I said it isn’t all bad. We just walked different paths and when we met we found that what we have here is. . .relationship. Right relationship. A solid relationship. The title above is a play on Andy Griffith’s story “What it was, was football”. Sometimes we have to look back to figure out what things are. What Libby and I have is just that. What it is, is relationship.

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Molly


I remember the days in the 50’s and 60’s when we left the door to the house unlocked allguidinglight the time and the keys were always in the car or truck.  There was one lady in our neighborhood who had a mental disability who would walk the neighborhood occasionally and you might have gotten a visit from her.  I smile when I think about Molly.  Once I was sitting at the dining table talking with mom as she was preparing dinner when the screen door opens and Molly walks in.  She says hey to us and we acknowledged her.  She proceeded to the living room and sat down and watched the soap opera that was on not saying another word.  Mom and I continued our conversation, because we knew that was about all we’d get out of her.  After about a half hour or so, Molly would get up walk back to the door and says goodbye and we returned our goodbye and she walked on out and was gone.  Never was there a word in between hello and goodbye.  It was Molly.  A kind unassuming soul who’s visits were felt, not telt.

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Unconditional Love


Some would say I sinned. Some have said I should pay. Some say I should apologize andLibby 1 show regret for my transgressions. I can’t do that again. Not to anyone person on this earth.

I’ve put my transgressions before God and pleaded for forgiveness, because He alone can forgive. Yes, I did apologize to those who were deeply involved. Yes I did ask for forgiveness. They said they did forgive me, but I still feel their sting. They have not truly forgiven me. I will not ask them again.

I’m sure of one thing. I learned how angry people can get and how long they can hold it. They don’t say so, but it’s evident in their actions.

I’ve also learned something far more valuable, though. Unconditional love is a valuable thing to know. I learned it more from someone who had no solid Christian background, but had to have learned it by some relationship with God. Unconditional love is not a basic human condition. Most love is based on conditions.

I am more than glad to have experienced (and continue to do so) unconditional love from a woman who, when she looks at me, has that look in her eyes that she could eat me with a spoon. She can’t look at me without smiling. She looks giddy when she looks at me. To me that makes her the most beautiful woman in the world and I melt inside from her looks.

Some things we say between each other are sacred and not spoken elsewhere. We speak to each other with our souls bared openly for both to see. We hold no secrets of any kind. I feel that comfortable with her. She holds my heart in her hands on the deepest of levels and doesn’t betray me. I would dare not betray her either. Anyone who loves me that much is so disarming I simply can’t carry that kind of thought against her. She’s as important to me as my own body, soul and spirit.

Posted in Love, Soulmate, Spiritual | 1 Comment

Comparisons of Change


There are always going to be changes. Some we know not of, presenting themselves as surprises. Some come as a planned endeavor. Some may even come as a dream come true. Who knows?

I can likely present several different kinds of changes, but one that is in my face every day is the bathroom I’ve been working on. Not only does the change in its appearance, but what happens around it that happens and motivates its progression.

Several years ago the tub in there cracked beyond repair. I was married to another then. (Still am by state standards.) The tub in the other bathroom soon became the needed location to cleanse the body of the dirt and odors we tended to carry around. But not long afterward that tub developed a crack across the bottom from side to side in the middle of the area where we stood to shower.

Ah, not too bad at first so I taped it with aluminized tape that is primarily used for duct work. To ensure that pressure was evenly distributed around the crack I placed a sheet of sturdy tin of fair size and then put a bath mat over it to cover up the rigging I had done. Then came more years and a failed marriage, by which I have seemed to have been blamed for in its entirety. No consideration that my spouse of thirty-seven years was controlling and considered herself higher than others in the pecking order. These are not entirely my observations, but also of many of my family and friends. I was too close to the situation to notice it. I had grown into the situation, but not lost in it.

One thing I was aware of is her innate ability to spend money without telling me. I had managed us out of financial disaster between 1989 and 1994, because of my own choosing. Civil Service was an untapped source of my abilities and God knew I would make good. After pulling out of it I eventually came to a point of making more than double what I was making up till that previous point in time.

Then came the time between 2001 till 2009. She amassed a debt of over sixteen thousand dollars of debt without my knowledge. There’s too much to tell about this time. Personally, I think she was giving someone money and I have my suspicions of who. I just can’t prove it and it wasn’t me. Our house and proclivities did not show any evidence of where this money went. I had nothing to show for it.  

But I digress. The tub now had found a new user. She was someone who was even much more industrious than even I could muster. She is a wondrous picture of beauty and well-rounded in every way. When I was young I dreamed of who would be my wife. Strangely I never thought my first wife fitting that description as it had filled my head at the age of thirteen or so. But the dream of this woman, who was called a “shiny new toy” by my psychologist has never lost her shine in five years. She fills everyday with unconditional love and motivation.

Motivation being the key word here she didn’t like moving in with me, but when she did she quickly said we were to embark on the remodeling of the house to include all the rooms and presently the master bath as our project of the moment.

Our first thing was to buy a new tub. It’s a simple metal with baked on enamel tub, but practical in all means. I proceeded at some point to tear out the old tub and found the floor underneath to be in rather solid condition. After a bit of sizing things up and purchasing waterproof materials we sat the tub into place and I hooked up the drain plumbing and put in a new faucet with a single lever function. I put up the waterproof material and tiled my first ever attempt at it and to say the least it turned out pretty good. My lady grouted it and we finally had a functional tub in our bathroom. She was full of suggestions and visions of what she wanted. I stand back sometimes and wonder why I hold back on her, because she has a talent way beyond me.

She bought tile for the floor, so my next step was to pull up flooring and brace the joistsBath vanity more to support the tile. Once I put down the floor tile she was right behind me with grout. Not to stop her now, she wanted a toilet that was a little taller and I wanted one with a more efficient use of water. We found it and while at it why not go ahead and get a new vanity with drawers on one side. Now the bathroom is coming together with color. The shades of earth tones have come together in the shower and on the floor. The wainscot and chair rail are white with the same color applying to the toilet, vanity and medicine cabinet. The walls are now a purple pastel. It has such a clean refreshing look.

This room is now far from the third world look it once had. The water stains on the walls and ceiling are gone, replaced with the touch of a hand and mind of someone who thinks like me. My home is no longer my home, but now our home. She and I have accomplished a transformation of the inside of our home to the point it no longer resembles the dank stained walls throughout the house. No more allergy laden carpet. No more plain old junk filling a room. Each room we’ve done has its own distinct touch of “us” on it. No more of the previous woman, who lay on the couch, never dreaming of helping me create something with her. She only withheld herself from me. She lost me long before it actually came to pass. My sons don’t understand and still fall for her divinations of my fall. I have not fallen. I’ve awakened.

Posted in Divorce, Home, Love, Ponderings, Soulmate | 2 Comments

Christianity vs Religion & Other Thoughts


To preface what I say I have to give some background of myself. When I was 27, I decided to commit myself to the pursuance of ministry. I went to school eventually in my early 30’s and concluded with a thirty year active period of music ministry and preaching as well as pastoring internal groups of a larger church as others like myself did to promote Christian growth in a smaller discussion group and prayer. I also taught Sunday School to teenagers and adults alike.

 

What I found during those years is that traditional Christianity does in fact kill the average Christian in the end. The local church building becomes the gathering place of a local group of people who likely originally came under the pretext of the tenants of Christian faith, but it became a club of sorts for dinners, special musical gathering, yard sales, car washes, and the proverbial bingo games. Sure, they will still profess their belief, but it isn’t the foremost reason they go after a period of time. There are no times of concerted prayer to find God’s will to change the direction of men who seek to do evil. There is no time set aside to touch the spirit realm causing change in our own lives.

 

Tradition is the biggest killer in the Church. Presumed beliefs take hold as a congregation listens to what the preacher says and does not ferret it out of the Bible for themselves. Charles, you’re right. People don’t study. Once they study they will find a lot of their beliefs will become the lies they are.

 

I’m not religious. I’m a Christian. As I previously stated, Christianity is a lifestyle, not a religion. Religion comes when a group takes a belief and puts it in a box and calls it a church. Then they add their icons layered in gold in some instances and call it a holy place. That pulpit is no more sacred than an old pair of worn athletic shoes. What’s sacred is the heart of man. His spirit is the one and only true temple in their body as they walk this earth.

 

What makes some preachers such as they are is beyond me. I found that my former pastor was a man who provoked me to study, because his teachings were so different than I’d ever learned. He made me very upset that he tipped over the money changer’s tables in my heart. I dug and dug on my own trying to disprove his teachings and in time found I could not from my own summations. Right now I could walk into any typical church and speak straight from the Word and be thrown out in short notice. People don’t like change.  I can attest to that myself.

 

One thing that sets me off is that the more one studies their belief is that there is so much overlap into other beliefs. There’s a string of fact that runs through them all that ties them together. People say we all came from Adam and Eve. I doubt that. (Here we go). Genesis says God created man after his likeness. My question is how many men were there that weren’t created in His image. There were other men already present on earth at the time. The Bible proves that point. Some were giants even.

 

The appearance of contradictions in the Bible I surmise is because men of the past have put together what they believe is Holy Scripture and left out what is likely thousands of other Christian writings.

 

It’s enough to say we cannot exhaust this discussion you invoked. People will use and abuse any faith, because there are enough weak minds out there. Atheist isn’t a name I’d put on people. We all believe in something. Even if you believe in nothing more than fate, it becomes your faith. Agnostic is more appropriate for most so-called non-believers.

Posted in Ponderings | 2 Comments