Livin' Small

As an older man now I have the perfect vision of hindsight. I have quite a bit of it. It is too bad that when we’re young we don’t consider much for foresight and its consequences. I don’t fault anyone for my mistakes. Some were large, some were small and insignificant. The latter made little to change my life, but the larger ones did.

I’ve hurt people badly and for that I am truly sorry. The problem is I made choices I tried to live with and found them impossible to do so as I grew older.

What I say first is the hardest to confess. I married at the age of twenty-one. I most assuredly now know I should have reconsidered it. It’s not that good didn’t come from it. I have two wonderful sons, who are successful in life and I feel have been positive contributors to society. One is a district manager of a major banking chain and the other served this country for twenty-one years and retired as a Master Sergeant. I have two wonderful granddaughters, one of which I have not seen in five years. I’m an outcast for deciding I could no longer continue in marriage hence the younger granddaughter’s absence from my life.

People can speculate what happened, but to put it straightforward it’s no one’s business about the details. Let’s just say it happened. 

I will only say that I grew unhappy with everything, not just marriage. I also grew to realize that all the good my church did for my maturity as a Christian did not change the fact that there were corrupt leaders in the church. It bordered on being a cult. When the pastor says you better be to a service unless you’re dead or dying should tell you just an inkling of many other things that was used to control members. You might say I should give him a little leeway in the statement, but I knew he was serious. I also saw him use people’s talents to further his cause and when he was done with them they were tossed aside like empty wheat husks from the harvest.

Maybe no one else is brave enough to say it without anger, but I can. I’m a most compassionate person and it’s a virtue that’s been tested. Don’t ask me. Ask people who know me. I spent thirty years of my life honing that skill. I saw a lot of people hurt and leaving the church over what I saw. I even confronted the pastor about his actions, but that was of little consequence.

I could never develop a relationship with this man, although his call to prospective leadership was to get close to him. I don’t know of anyone who ever got close to him stayed very long. I knew some para-famous pastors who tried, but ran as far the other way as they could once they got to know him.   One of my fellow deacons confided in me after I left the church that a seasoned ministry told him to run, not walk, but run as fast as you can from him when he left. This seasoned ministry was one of my pastor’s mentors on top of all that.

My relationship with God suffered greatly over the last seven to ten years. In the beginning of realizing this I found one important issue I needed to confront. I had grown weary in well-doing. Works will not foster a robust, healthy relationship with God. It will, however, cause one to lose their spiritual acuity. In the beginning of my walk I had a close relationship with God and could talk with Him. I’d grown dull to His voice. I lost my conversation into the spiritual realm. Relationship was lost.

One final word on this part of life was that I realized something no one else seemed to catch onto. When my pastor gave up this role in leadership to become something more of a pastor emeritus it became apparent to me he was suffering from a chronic disease. He would end up in the hospital to remove fluid from his lungs. It would be as much as a liter in an overnight stay in the hospital. I knew what that meant, but no one would speak it. He was experiencing congestive heart failure. Knowing this he gave over the reins of pastoral care to another. He passed away the first of June 2009 at his desk preparing for service for the next morning.

Once he passed the new pastor was quick to move away from the methods and means of the old way the church was run and even changed the name of the church to remove the stigma of all that had gone before. All of my past there was gone, save the memories of what once was.

Now my life had been stripped of marital and spiritual relationship. I ended up dealing with depression, anxiety attacks and sitting in a psychologist’s office. Losing marriage drove me there. The church was an ancillary loss past that.

Just a brief insight to the marriage can be summarized here. Well over a year, more like two before I ended it, I began my research as to what should I do. I tried to put things together in my head as to what I should do. She tried to leave me once during that time and for the second time in our marriage I talked her into staying. I should have relinquished and let her go then. Maybe I wouldn’t have been such a bad guy then. I’ll admit I met someone just prior to leaving, but I didn’t expect it to be a major factor in leaving. I would have left anyway. Our roads crossed at a crucial time in both our lives, yet we clicked. If no one else understands or believes it we both decided both of us should walk away if it was felt necessary by either of us and we did do that for a while. Once I left the damage was done and I was in counseling. Needless to say it was of little use to me. I explained to the psychologist about my separation and meeting someone else. His description of her was a “shiny new toy”. If I were to go back today I would have to tell him my “shiny new toy” is still shining as brightly and more than ever.

At that time I’d learned what failed relationship was. I’d lost my marriage, church and more than anything else my spiritual relationship.

Then came out of the dust of a failed past a woman I could not get away from. I know I write a lot about her, but it’s impossible to not write about her. Libby told me once if I needed to go back to my wife she would honor my decision even though it would sadden her. She was not going to hold to me if I didn’t want a relationship with her. I told her the same. It was her choice to stay with me if she so chose. From that we began to build a relationship. All prior relationships had conditions, but this one did not. We didn’t place any conditional requirements on one another. We accepted each other for who we were. . .baggage and all. And believe me, we do have baggage and we deal with it. Still our love for each other has grown out of that simple unconditional love for each other.

Since then we’ve grown together more tightly than I would have ever supposed. When I was thirteen or so I asked God one night. . .well more than “one” night. . .what my future wife would look like. Libby is that woman. I recognized her a long time ago as that dream come true. We both sometime opine why we did not meet when we were young. We would have had bunches of kids. I can picture them all tow-headed rascals with both boys and girls. Still we have life as it is. Like I said it isn’t all bad. We just walked different paths and when we met we found that what we have here is. . .relationship. Right relationship. A solid relationship. The title above is a play on Andy Griffith’s story “What it was, was football”. Sometimes we have to look back to figure out what things are. What Libby and I have is just that. What it is, is relationship.

To preface what I say I have to give some background of myself. When I was 27, I decided to commit myself to the pursuance of ministry. I went to school eventually in my early 30’s and concluded with a thirty year active period of music ministry and preaching as well as pastoring internal groups of a larger church as others like myself did to promote Christian growth in a smaller discussion group and prayer. I also taught Sunday School to teenagers and adults alike.

What I found during those years is that traditional Christianity does in fact kill the average Christian in the end. The local church building becomes the gathering place of a local group of people who likely originally came under the pretext of the tenants of Christian faith, but it became a club of sorts for dinners, special musical gathering, yard sales, car washes, and the proverbial bingo games. Sure, they will still profess their belief, but it isn’t the foremost reason they go after a period of time. There are no times of concerted prayer to find God’s will to change the direction of men who seek to do evil. There is no time set aside to touch the spirit realm causing change in our own lives.

Tradition is the biggest killer in the Church. Presumed beliefs take hold as a congregation listens to what the preacher says and does not ferret it out of the Bible for themselves. Charles, you’re right. People don’t study. Once they study they will find a lot of their beliefs will become the lies they are.

I’m not religious. I’m a Christian. As I previously stated, Christianity is a lifestyle, not a religion. Religion comes when a group takes a belief and puts it in a box and calls it a church. Then they add their icons layered in gold in some instances and call it a holy place. That pulpit is no more sacred than an old pair of worn athletic shoes. What’s sacred is the heart of man. His spirit is the one and only true temple in their body as they walk this earth.

What makes some preachers such as they are is beyond me. I found that my former pastor was a man who provoked me to study, because his teachings were so different than I’d ever learned. He made me very upset that he tipped over the money changer’s tables in my heart. I dug and dug on my own trying to disprove his teachings and in time found I could not from my own summations. Right now I could walk into any typical church and speak straight from the Word and be thrown out in short notice. People don’t like change.  I can attest to that myself.

One thing that sets me off is that the more one studies their belief is that there is so much overlap into other beliefs. There’s a string of fact that runs through them all that ties them together. People say we all came from Adam and Eve. I doubt that. (Here we go). Genesis says God created man after his likeness. My question is how many men were there that weren’t created in His image. There were other men already present on earth at the time. The Bible proves that point. Some were giants even.

The appearance of contradictions in the Bible I surmise is because men of the past have put together what they believe is Holy Scripture and left out what is likely thousands of other Christian writings.

It’s enough to say we cannot exhaust this discussion you invoked. People will use and abuse any faith, because there are enough weak minds out there. Atheist isn’t a name I’d put on people. We all believe in something. Even if you believe in nothing more than fate, it becomes your faith. Agnostic is more appropriate for most so-called non-believers.

The cold winds begin to blow

The days are now numbered.

But the last one only God knows

When death brings one to slumber.

The cloudy skies hang so low.

Soon a body will no longer be encumbered.

Out of it the life within will flow

To rise to the heavens with the numbered.

The smiles upon their faces will grow

When one’s spirit goes to those remembered

While the body goes to be alone.

Let the cold winds blow in life’s December.

But not to end the spirit.

Tho’ the cold winds blow harshly in my mind
My heart still feels the bright sunshine.
Warming my heart with every piercing ray
Bringing to mind there is a coming better day.
Today’s clouds hang low and so dark
Nothing seems quite so stark.
But this I know for a surety
My heart is cleansed to purity.
My God loves and cares for me.
This to me He has made a decree
I am His and shall overcome

What makes me feel this way? I’m sure I’m not the only person who experiences it. Imminent change at hand. Is it something that I’m setting myself for or is it a premonition of something impending that I have no control over?

Getting older has wonderful thoughts of life. The eventual consideration of a short span left over that of when I was a young man could be an ingredient of this feeling. I don’t know for sure.

I’m sure of one thing. I spent several decades trying to be someone I was always feeling like I wasn’t. I concluded in my fifties I was living a fraudulent life. Not to say that what I learned or gained in experience was the same thing, but the conclusion came when I realized I thought I was living my calling in life and found I was an instrument to further someone else’s goals. It actually came down to two people. My ex-wife tried to change me over the years and all it did was cause me to seek avenues that became destructive to me. The relationship wasn’t fulfilling. There was no love in it. Many times I would rehash it and I always arrived at the same conclusion. We were good at running a household, but we really didn’t love each other. I was always looking for it somewhere else and that ran against my strictest sense of what a moral life was supposed to be. The key word “it” is that I should have been in a reciprocal relationship of unconditional love. The relationship I was in came with a battery of conditions. I was not to touch unless given permission. The bedroom was on her terms, not mine. I was not to speak some things or I would be reprimanded. She tried to get me to dress in a certain fashion. Look, I’m a country boy and always will be. I wore jeans and t-shirts almost all my life. I bought dress shirts, sport coats, dozens of ties with dress shoes and socks to match. They hang neatly in my closet still with little or no wear. I’m sure Libby wouldn’t mind if I put some of it on occasionally, but I’m not required as a condition of love.

My sons I love dearly. They are hard-working dedicated men with wives and children. One huge lacking in them is they selfishly don’t want any more children which will end the line of the Rowe family. It dies with them. Projenitorship, is a player in my mind. I guess I can be somewhat selfish to want my family name to be carried on. Why not? It’s an important thing to many men. I still do have a nephew called Isiah. It’s not spelled the same as the Biblical character, but our family has never been one to follow the order of things. We still have someone who can make the name carry on.

The second person who caused me to lose out on my own calling was a pastor who I believed in. The problem is that it was cultish. He would say things like if we were having a meeting with a speaker unless we were dead or dying we were to be there. His sermon on tithing was simple. Thieves don’t tithe. I have my own version of it, but I don’t have this post for that forum. He had a minor in psychology and he knew how to use it, but I had common sense not to allow myself to get too close, but still I left that church an empty husk of who I should have been. His allowed reign over my family and me was a player in the ending of my marriage as well. It kept my wife and I busily apart so often that even if we were compatible we still would not have “worked it out”.

I don’t think God allows for failure. I am not a failure. I was told once that all our failures are fuel to propel us forward into victory in the end. That is where I am now. All the failures of the past have fueled my being to overcome all obstacles that rear their ugly heads against me.

Maybe I’m just rambling on seeing the reality of being older. I don’t have as many years ahead of me as I have had behind me. One thing is for sure. God allowed me to find a woman who KNOWS unconditional love and practices it. I see in her heart there are times she wishes I could be a little more of this or that, but she bears it in her heart to love me just as I am. Hey, I’d be lying if I said she’s totally perfect, but to my heart she is perfect for me. We are two driven individuals who can clash in our opinions, but our love for each other is more important and we always end the day talking out the issues of the day. That I love about her and our relationship. Love between us is more important than the issues of the day.

Really I don’t know what the future holds, but I feel if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that God had made a way in spite of all my transgressions. That’s because I still believe in that higher power that guides my life. He gave me Libby. That is important to remember.